oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
