Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
