I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
True college students do jello shots in the library
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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