Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
