I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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