So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
