Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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