had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
