When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
