life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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