i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
