There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
