ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
