so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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