I wish they made helmets for livers.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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