All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
