mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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