I wish I could punch you in the face.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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