Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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