walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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