I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
