ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
