I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
