I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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