sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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