Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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