i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
