??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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