So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
