I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
