I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
