I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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