Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
