Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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