hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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