Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs