I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
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I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
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I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY