WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
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Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"