I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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