chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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