I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
