I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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