I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
