Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
