It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
