I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
