I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Moan for me like Helen Keller
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
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even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
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The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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