you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
