is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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