last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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