Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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