maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
