I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
