Hey man sorry I got all grabby
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
