All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
