Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
