She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
