i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
